The truth about you and your body.
There are a lot of things I hate (yes, happy to use the word hate here) about betrayal. I hate the years it steals. I hate the pain it pours. I hate the questions it begs. And one of the things I think I hate the most? I hate how it impacts our personhood.
I remember many years ago in one of my groups - a woman asked: why couldn’t it have been Oreos? or Sports? Truth be told - an addiction to even these things could wreak havoc - but when the “drug" of choice is sexually acting out? The hurt and pain is unfathomably deep.
We’ve been unpacking all of this the last several weeks over here and I realized I had more to share than I could fit in a story or post - combine the space issue with my desperate desire to write again - and here we are. I’m so glad you joined me.
When I say I hate how sexual betrayal has impacted our person hood, it’s fair to say that it’s impacted us in ALL of the areas of well being - emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally - in All. The. Ways.
AND - maybe we will take these one at a time and unpack how it’s impacted us in each of these ways - I make no promises on this because my rate of success with blogging as of late is incredibly low. But I like the idea.
What I want to focus on today is how betrayal has impacted our person-hood from a physical standpoint.
It’s incredibly important as we navigate this discussion that we really consider what is TRUE and what is a LIE that needs to go back to the pit of hell. So here we go…
TRUTH: Deep personal brokenness drives infidelity.
There are no buts (It was so hard for me to not write butts, just for a pun) about this. Don’t tell me that "you’ve let yourself go". Or that you aren’t "a spring chicken anymore, so no wonder". Those are the LIES.
Please remember that negative emotions, shame and reward mechanisms (I know, that one we need a whole other article on!) are the primary drivers for acting out. These are also known as his triggers.
It’s not your postpartum belly or your spider veins.
TRUTH: We are not responsible for his acting out, never - ever.
You can NOT take responsibility for this. As much as we sometimes want to (because when we DO take responsibility - it gives us power and control over a situation that is neither of these things)… this is hurting you and hurting him.
And I know what you might be thinking - you might be thinking - but I didn’t have enough sex with him. Let me just say - not having sex is STILL not a reason to act out. This is a LIE. (And I also know some of you desperately wanted to have sex with him and he refused, and maybe he still does… SO confusing and hurtful. Two words: intimacy issue.)
People love to use the whole 1 Corinthians 7:5 justification pertaining to where her responsibility lies for his betrayal so let’s just be clear about something: when Paul says don’t deprive each other… lest you be tempted - he is NOT saying don’t deprive each other or else he has license to act out. It’s NOT there. And his temptation is HIS responsibility. The end.
Not looking like a super model is also not a reason to act out. That is also a lie. I’ll unpack this more below but let’s remember that we were created in God’s image and our bodies are GOOD.
TRUTH: Sex is set apart for marriage, deeply personal, and used to bond the marriage together.
So I have a note in my Bible from a talk that a friend of mine gave once on Genesis 2:24. The verse talks about man leaving his father and mother and uniting with his wife and becoming one flesh with her. You know the verse.
The note I have above that verse says this: Anything that breaks the physical bond in marriage can also break the marriage itself.
I believe this whole-heartedly.
And I think this exemplifies from a Biblical perspective, why we as women take this so personally. It impacts our person-hood, our sense of self at a core level. If he were acting out with alcohol - it would hurt (and for those of you dealing with both alcohol and betrayal - it DOES hurt). But we don’t compare ourselves at a personhood level to alcohol or TV or games or work.
However, when the acting out is with the one thing that is set apart for marriage, deeply personal, and creates a bond that holds the marriage together? This we can’t help but compare ourselves to.
So yes, it’s personal but no, it’s not because of something we lack.
TRUTH: Our bodies are good. All the time. There is no space for shame or condemnation here.
I listened to this podcast yesterday on my morning walk and then again this morning. There were several things that Jess said that had me jumping for joy in the middle of the street. It was SO good and I hope you will listen to it!
Here is what I want you to know: God created our bodies in HIS image. His image!!! And then after it was all said and done - God looked at all He had created and didn’t just say it was good, but Genesis 1:31 says it was very good.
The Hebrew word for good in this verse is tove. This is the SAME word used at the end of Genesis when Joseph says to his brothers - I’m not going to hurt you. What you meant for harm, God has used for good in my life. One of my favorite verses.
And here is what is so very important: this isn’t just good like I had a good day or I had a good nap. No, this is good in the widest sense of the word. Arms wide. So very good.
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Here is what I recognize: shame is what drives him to act out. And then once we are made aware of his acting out - shame is transferred over to us. And we look at ourselves in the mirror and we think: I’m not good enough.
My challenge for you today: unhitch yourself from this shame. It is not yours to carry. Simply put - we do this by naming the shame and reminding ourselves of what is true (see above). Join me in the comments, I am here to talk this out.
In this with you!
xo - Shelley