on sexual intimacy - an update of sorts
Oftentimes I hear women comment that they wish there was more literature on what sexual intimacy looks like post-betrayal. I agree - the literature is sparse. I'm actually not interested in contributing to that literature - case in point - just writing this post has caused me to feel nauseated and vulnerable. However - something happened just this morning that I have the desire to share with you ladies. So here goes...
To make sure we are all on the same page - Jason and I have known each other for 25 years now (we were babes when we met). It was eight years into our relationship (5 years dating + 3 years of marriage) when life shattered into a million pieces. Unbeknownst to me, I realized I had married a sex addict. (And honestly, even typing that is still hard for me to do.)
In those early years of marriage - Jason would complain about our sexual intimacy. Primarily what I remember him talking about were issues with the positions we were in, what I was comfortable with, that it wasn't very satisfying to him. (And now I'm getting mad.)
Fast forward to this morning - literally this morning- and I realized (after we were sexually intimate) that I still carry shame for a certain position that I prefer. This goes allllllll the way back to those early years of marriage and how he would complain and point the finger at me and tell me there was something wrong with me.
I started to share with him about my shame and how every time we are sexually intimate, I am reminded of the "issues with positions".
My motive wasn't for Jason to feel badly but rather for me to share with him the dots I was connecting.
Something shifted in me, just this morning, and I realized my preference didn't have to do with me being a prude (as he told me back then) but had to do with what felt good to me physically.
As I stepped into being fully known with him and sharing with him why a certain position worked well for me and others not so much - he started to share a bit more as to why he said the things he said back then.Being fully known with him lifted my shame. And then the next thing Jason said completely took it away. He said: "yeah, I was just comparing you to the porn I was watching and the positions they were in."Oh.Well, that's about the grossest (and dumbest) thing I've ever heard.
The thing is - I am sure we had this conversation in the past - but this morning, I saw it all through a different perspective.
While in the past - I would have probably taken that comment and thought - I will never measure up... Today - I took that comment and thought - well of course you compared me to the porn and how ridiculous is that!
Cause this momma isn't porn, never has been, never will be.
I'm the real deal. The whole enchilada. I'm mind, heart, body and soul. Not just a body.
We continued the conversation and let me just tell you - it was another moment of restoration for us. Jason was humble, apologetic, loving, and caring for me. And I was able to be fully known, accept his apology, and sit in gratitude and thankfulness for how far God has brought us.With all of that said - there are several take-aways I want you to consider from what I have shared -
It's Always on the Table
Girls, I can't stress this enough. It's so important that you're able to ask any question at any time for as many times as you possibly need to. Having this freedom in the long run - has done the opposite of what you might expect. It's allowed me to not ask as many questions - simply because I know that I CAN. (But to be clear, in the short term - as in, early on in our recovery - I earned a gold medal for asking as many questions as possible. And I'm so okay with that because it helped me heal.)
In addition, having this freedom to talk about the past - including my shame and Jason's comparisons - as we did this morning - was another moment for healing for both of us. For Jason - it was an opportunity for him to love me and rewrite history; and for me - it was an opportunity to release another bit of shame that was holding me back.
Measuring Up
Early on in recovery - the pain was excruciating for me - realizing that I could never measure up to what Jason saw and did with other women.However, over time - this feeling of never being able to measure up has eroded, almost completely. This morning is case in point - I literally sat there thinking - you wanted me to do what you did and saw?! Gross. And no way. And no thank you. I am so much more than that.
I didn't think that 17 years ago (understandably) but this morning - there wasn't even a speck of me feeling like I needed to be different or look different or act different.
Praise Jesus and can I get an Amen!
It's a Process
Ladies, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Slow down if you need to. Our movement toward sanctification doesn't happen overnight. Nor does this process of recovery.
I think there is merit in wanting to get to dry land. When the pain is excruciating, we ARE going to work hard and fast to get to the boat so that we can feel safe, secure, grounded and start to breathe.
I also think that once we are in the boat, paddling to shore as fast as possible isn't necessarily the best route. Sometimes we need to be, to sit, to allow the waves to crash over us - because it's in the darkness that God is near and it's also in the darkness that we are most receptive to the character change and movement toward sanctification.
As always, my heart is to connect with you and hear from you. Drop me a line and I pinky promise to respond.
xo - Shelley